Losing my Identity

For the last few weeks, Ive felt discombobulated.  I feel like I don't even know who I am anymore. Ive had the need to start this blog and really explain to everyone who I am exactly.  People have their assumptions of how I grew up, how I live, how my temperament is. Even though I know it shouldn't matter what people think of me, I feel the need to explain why I feel lost in this world at this moment. 
During the Summer of 2008, I had gone through a bad breakup, everything about Long Beach would literally bring me to tears. I couldn't see people smiling, I couldn't even listen to music, everything reminded me of Him and the fact that He was no longer by my side. Dreams, goals, were all with HIM.   I had no where to go.  I quit my wonderful position at Bally Total Fitness after being employed for 7 years because I didn't care about anything. Just like Alexander in Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, Not good, Very bad day Children's book, I too wanted to move to Australia. Somewhere far, far away where I could start my life fresh. 
This caregiver opportunity came from up above, I swear. The opportunity came 6 months later after the Terrible, Horrible, not good, very bad breakup. I drove up to Beautiful San Diego Friday, the day after my summer school finals, and started the following Monday.
July 14, 2008
After moving to the beautiful, wealthy, quiet area named Rancho Santa Fe,Wikipedia, With an estimated, median income of $188,859, it's also on the list of highest income communities in the United States.
I felt amazing. Incredible to feel the fresh air, the sense of a new beginning in my life. I could literally feel the wind in between my fingers, hear the birds chirping loud and clear without being eliminated by loud police sirens.  There were no cars screeching in the neighborhood, no kids playing outside, no cars parked on the street, except my old, faded, burgundy Dodge Intrepid.  
      We'll call my boss, My Viejito (My little old man in Spanish). When he hired me, he had me walk over to his master bedroom and pointed me to sit on one of the nice comfy reclining chairs. After talking about his life, he followed by saying "Treat this house as if it was yours, You can buy yourself anything you want from the grocery store, you will have your own room with it's own bathroom. We (his son Harris, my viejito and I) go out to dinner 2-3 times a week". In my mind I'm screaming of joy! "Can this get any better??".  We go to Denny's 2 to 3 times a week sometimes, They took me to Red Lobster for the very first time in my life not to mention Ruth's Chris Steak House...never even heard of that restaurant before...and after I had a glimpse of the bill I knew why they didn't have those in Long Beach. lol  The feeling of having no financial dilemma, the thought of driving a brand new vehicle, the thought of buying pretty much anything you feel like it is a blessing and it feels amazing. 
    July 14, 2014 it'll be 6 years since Ive Been working here. I miss the smell of burnt engine in the driveway, dogs barking at passing pedestrian, loud music, busses passing, 99 cent stores in less than 5 miles proximity, diverse cultures. I MISS MY HOOD. I feel like an outcast here.  I don't belong in this area that I call home. These thoughts were really weighing me down, I felt like screaming to everyone "I AM MEXICAN. MY DAD MAKES THE BEST BIRRIA AND I LOVE TO LISTEN TO BANDA!" It's definitely a crazy feeling, unexplainable. It's none of their business where I come from, or who I am. I don't do it for them, I do it for myself. I feel like Im losing that part of me that makes me unique and special. 
This past weekend I decided to take it off and finally join my family on a good weekend vacation.  My parents own a home about 30 minutes away from the Calexico border, we were celebrating my little brother's 23rd birthday. I was a little hesitant, because the last time I was there visiting, IT WAS SCORCHING HOT! The fans they had going at full speed did that cut it. There was sooo much work to be done in that house, not to mention the blood sucking mosquitos. Well let me just say, IT WAS AMAZING! 
 The home was fully furnished, AC in each room, beautiful tile flooring. I felt a sense of comfort lol. I feel I've regained some of the identity I was looking for. Out in the dirt roads, 107+ degree weather, infested with blood sucking mosquitos, I recovered about 10 shades of my skin color. I was surrounded by my wonderful big Mexican family. My father and the neighbor in Mexicali killed a Pig and made Carnitas. We also enjoyed a good Carne Asada, Mariscos, and amazing Piña Coladas. We all enjoyed the company of each other, NO cell phones. We took pictures with the 6 goats My dad had in the back yard, rode the dirt bikes on the beach, played in the sand. You won't believe this, but there was a Paletero (Ice cream truck) driving along the shore.  Even though that is not enough for me, that'll do for right now.  Till the next Family trip. :) 

God has Blessed me with more than I've ever imagined. I just need to learn how to balance myself in both worlds without losing myself, in the meantime....I'll enjoy my Banda music here in the beautiful Rancho Santa Fe. 

UGH! 

 This is one of the hardest things I've ever wanted to do.  Im scared to be vulnerable because I want people to see me as a Tough Mothafuka. (excuse my french)  My Blog will tell MY Life, what I actually feel inside, no sugar coating. I will write about my faith,  how it is growing up as an only sister, how it is growing up as a cancer survivor (Ovarian Cancer to be exact), the battle of dating and trying to find that prince charming to love me and understand everything I am and am not and the WAR of loosing weight.  Okay okay...and maybeeee other secrets I have, if I have the balls to talk about them. 

    I really don't think I would of made it this far without God and my faith in him. I truly feel as if Im in a bubble and he's protecting me from death and seeing scary demonds in my room. I always hear people talk about how they've seen shadows wondering around in their hallways, lol God knowwwws... if I ever see anything like that, that'll be the end of me. Seriously. lol I pray for love, happiness and health for my family...I really need to work on praying for myself. I'm working on it. :)

    Being an only sister is tough. My father has raised me to never let anyone push me around. As a little girl I was always surrounded by boys, my brothers, their friends and the neighbors. Believe it or not, I was one tough little girl, I would fight if I had to defend myself. I got into a few fist fights with the boys, good thing they were gentlemen...they would never hit me back. :)  Ive definitely changed in that area. Im a lover not a fighter. Being the only sister of 4 strong men is pretty cool yet extremely competitive. Whatever they do I want to prove that I can do better, If they were playing a game of basketball I want to play with them, I want to make that 3-pointer too or maybe two to beat them.  I have so many great memories with them and lots more to come God willing. 

    At age 13, the year 1996 I was diagnosed with Ovarian Cancer. Shocking I know. How does this shit happen to a 13 year old girl??  Trust me, even the very own doctors were shocked. I don't have an explanation on HOW this happened, or WHY it happened to me, I wish I knew the answers to those same questions. I will go more in depth on that...stay tuned ;) 

  Trying to find my prince charming is pretty tough, specially after growing up around guys all your life and you 'think' you know when they're trying to bullshit you to get you in bed. I've been very lucky to date men who besides wanting to get a lil frisky on the first date, they are nice. lol I don't think of them as bad people, Hey...they want to see how far they can get.  If I sense they're not serious about getting to know me...I get up and go. I've had my share of great dates and 'almost relationships' Things go bad when I start feeling insecure and think they'll leave once they find out I can't have children. That ONE reallyyyy bad breakup....Yes! I'll talk more about that too.

   Weight loss has been a constant battle, better yet a WAR, ever since I was a little girl.  That has not changed. Working at a fitness center aka Bally Total Fitness for 7years you would think I would have this weight loss on lock down, well I sure DON'T.  It's hard. I won't give up though. Thank God I have great friends that keep me motivated.  That would be a loooong topic for me to talk about. Nervous about this one too. 

   Im ending this by saying how excited I am to be able to release so much thoughts, feelings I have inside. I know Im not the only one in this world going through these types of issues and others that will pop up during this blogging journey. This makes me very vulnerable and transparent, so don't judge me. Im not a good writer so don't criticize me on that. :-p

Asta la Proxima......

GOD IS GOOD