Losing my Identity

For the last few weeks, Ive felt discombobulated.  I feel like I don't even know who I am anymore. Ive had the need to start this blog and really explain to everyone who I am exactly.  People have their assumptions of how I grew up, how I live, how my temperament is. Even though I know it shouldn't matter what people think of me, I feel the need to explain why I feel lost in this world at this moment. 
During the Summer of 2008, I had gone through a bad breakup, everything about Long Beach would literally bring me to tears. I couldn't see people smiling, I couldn't even listen to music, everything reminded me of Him and the fact that He was no longer by my side. Dreams, goals, were all with HIM.   I had no where to go.  I quit my wonderful position at Bally Total Fitness after being employed for 7 years because I didn't care about anything. Just like Alexander in Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, Not good, Very bad day Children's book, I too wanted to move to Australia. Somewhere far, far away where I could start my life fresh. 
This caregiver opportunity came from up above, I swear. The opportunity came 6 months later after the Terrible, Horrible, not good, very bad breakup. I drove up to Beautiful San Diego Friday, the day after my summer school finals, and started the following Monday.
July 14, 2008
After moving to the beautiful, wealthy, quiet area named Rancho Santa Fe,Wikipedia, With an estimated, median income of $188,859, it's also on the list of highest income communities in the United States.
I felt amazing. Incredible to feel the fresh air, the sense of a new beginning in my life. I could literally feel the wind in between my fingers, hear the birds chirping loud and clear without being eliminated by loud police sirens.  There were no cars screeching in the neighborhood, no kids playing outside, no cars parked on the street, except my old, faded, burgundy Dodge Intrepid.  
      We'll call my boss, My Viejito (My little old man in Spanish). When he hired me, he had me walk over to his master bedroom and pointed me to sit on one of the nice comfy reclining chairs. After talking about his life, he followed by saying "Treat this house as if it was yours, You can buy yourself anything you want from the grocery store, you will have your own room with it's own bathroom. We (his son Harris, my viejito and I) go out to dinner 2-3 times a week". In my mind I'm screaming of joy! "Can this get any better??".  We go to Denny's 2 to 3 times a week sometimes, They took me to Red Lobster for the very first time in my life not to mention Ruth's Chris Steak House...never even heard of that restaurant before...and after I had a glimpse of the bill I knew why they didn't have those in Long Beach. lol  The feeling of having no financial dilemma, the thought of driving a brand new vehicle, the thought of buying pretty much anything you feel like it is a blessing and it feels amazing. 
    July 14, 2014 it'll be 6 years since Ive Been working here. I miss the smell of burnt engine in the driveway, dogs barking at passing pedestrian, loud music, busses passing, 99 cent stores in less than 5 miles proximity, diverse cultures. I MISS MY HOOD. I feel like an outcast here.  I don't belong in this area that I call home. These thoughts were really weighing me down, I felt like screaming to everyone "I AM MEXICAN. MY DAD MAKES THE BEST BIRRIA AND I LOVE TO LISTEN TO BANDA!" It's definitely a crazy feeling, unexplainable. It's none of their business where I come from, or who I am. I don't do it for them, I do it for myself. I feel like Im losing that part of me that makes me unique and special. 
This past weekend I decided to take it off and finally join my family on a good weekend vacation.  My parents own a home about 30 minutes away from the Calexico border, we were celebrating my little brother's 23rd birthday. I was a little hesitant, because the last time I was there visiting, IT WAS SCORCHING HOT! The fans they had going at full speed did that cut it. There was sooo much work to be done in that house, not to mention the blood sucking mosquitos. Well let me just say, IT WAS AMAZING! 
 The home was fully furnished, AC in each room, beautiful tile flooring. I felt a sense of comfort lol. I feel I've regained some of the identity I was looking for. Out in the dirt roads, 107+ degree weather, infested with blood sucking mosquitos, I recovered about 10 shades of my skin color. I was surrounded by my wonderful big Mexican family. My father and the neighbor in Mexicali killed a Pig and made Carnitas. We also enjoyed a good Carne Asada, Mariscos, and amazing Piña Coladas. We all enjoyed the company of each other, NO cell phones. We took pictures with the 6 goats My dad had in the back yard, rode the dirt bikes on the beach, played in the sand. You won't believe this, but there was a Paletero (Ice cream truck) driving along the shore.  Even though that is not enough for me, that'll do for right now.  Till the next Family trip. :) 

God has Blessed me with more than I've ever imagined. I just need to learn how to balance myself in both worlds without losing myself, in the meantime....I'll enjoy my Banda music here in the beautiful Rancho Santa Fe.